


Welcome to Neighborhood 12358W

by hypereuni



Category: Naruto, The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Good Place (TV) Fusion, Arranged Marriage, Crossover, M/M, Naruto Rare Pair Bingo 2019, Prompt Fill, Soulmates, enemies to frenemies to idiots in denial, multiple POVs, spoilers for the Good Place
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-04-19 18:28:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19138258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hypereuni/pseuds/hypereuni
Summary: “Are you two really soulmates?” Eleanor pressed, tone skeptical.“Yeah, I can’t believe it either,” Hidan grumbled. “You can blame Michael for that.” He yelped when Kakuzu pinched him. “Kakuzu, you ash-hole, what thefork!”The Good Place AU. Written for Naruto Rarepair Bingo 2019. Fill for Bingo Board A (“Crossover/fusion”), Bingo Board B (“Arranged marriage”), and Bingo Board C (“Fate.”)





	1. Chapter 1

**The Bad Place**

**Two days before the launch of Neighborhood 12358W**

 

The elevator shuddered to a stop with the hair-raising sound of a thousand rusty nails scraping on a chalkboard. 

“Whaddup, bitches, your stop’s here,” a recorded female voice drawled. “Now get the fuck out.”

“I wish they’d change that,” the guard muttered. He nudged Hidan out of the elevator none too gently; the doors clashed as soon as they exited the lift. The doors of the other lift opened just then, and the guard nodded at the two who had stepped out, another guard with his own prisoner in tow. “Izumo.”

“Kotetsu,” the other guard greeted. “How’s it going?”

“Pretty well, considering who I’ve got to haul in front of the Boss today,” Kotetsu groused, indicating Hidan with a jerk of his head. “Oi, keep walking.”

Hidan, however, only had eyes for the person standing beside Izumo in chains. “Kaku-fucker! What brings you here, moneybags?” He leered at the other man. “Oh? Did you get written up again?”

“Shut up, idiot,” Kakuzu growled. “As if you have a right to say anything.” He glanced at the bloodstains on Hidan’s rumpled white shirt. “Hn. Another rampage? He’s not going to let you off easy, that’s for sure.”

Hidan groaned. “I swear, if that bastard assigns me to latrine duty again, I’ll scream.”

Kotetsu chuckled darkly when he heard this. “Oh, I wouldn’t worry about cleaning toilets, if I were you,” he said. “I heard the Boss has something special planned for the two of you. Now move.”

They passed by the open cubicles where the Apprentices worked in neat silent rows, each demon furiously skritch-scratching at their desk. A few curious heads looked up, now and then, but for the most part, the office workers kept their heads down, buried behind towering stacks of reference books and blueprints.

“Here we are,” Kotetsu said when they reached the Boss’s office, which was the only enclosed space on the floor. He gave the chain linked to Hidan’s handcuffs a hard tug, forcing Hidan to lurch to a halt in front of the tall mahogany door.

“That hurt, you shitty brat,” Hidan grumbled. Kotetsu ignored him and produced a small key from his pockets, which he used to unlock the heavy cuffs behind Hidan’s back. Izumo did the same with Kakuzu.

“Have fun with the Boss,” Izumo said with a wink. Then both guards vanished, leaving only Hidan and Kakuzu.

“I hate it when they do that,” Hidan muttered, rubbing his chafed wrists gingerly. “Ooww.. Fucking Kotetsu. When I get back I’ll crucify him and then rip his guts out for the crows, after I do the same thing to Shawn.”

“Don’t you dare piss him off while I’m in the same room,” Kakuzu warned. Hidan flipped him the bird before proceeding to kick the door open. Their superior, who had been deep in conversation with another person, stopped mid-speech, swiveling his armchair to take a better look at his guests.

“Ah, Hidan, Kakuzu. You came on time,” Shawn said, smiling slightly, which was the most cheerful anyone had ever seen him in over a century. “Excellent. I have some news for you.”

To this, Hidan responded with a few choice expletives that promptly wiped the smirk off Shawn's face. Shawn snapped his fingers, and black cords instantly bound Hidan from head to toe, and duct tape wound around the lower half of his face like a mask. While Hidan struggled against his bonds, their superior eyed Kakuzu warily.

“You won’t be needing this, I hope,” Shawn remarked. When Kakuzu shook his head, Shawn relaxed a little. “Good,” he said. “That makes my life somewhat easier. The two of you are here to receive your punishments, correct?” He quickly riffled through the contents of a manila file before setting it down on the desk.

“I’ve decided that assigning you to clean toilets for a millennium wasn't...the best of ideas," Shawn said, leaning back into his armchair. He steepled his fingers. "Especially since it has been demonstrated several times to have no deterrent effect on repeat offenders such as yourselves. I have discussed the terms of your punishments with my colleagues, and I have decided to send both of you to work for Michael on his new project until it shows good results. Questions?”

“MmMFMMF!!” Hidan’s muffled voice said indignantly. Shawn ignored him and nodded at Kakuzu, who had raised his hand. “Kakuzu.”

“Will we be get paid for overtime?” Kakuzu immediately queried.

“Absolutely not,” his boss said shortly. “You still have to pay back the fifty grand you embezzled from Accounting. I’m afraid you won’t be getting any paychecks any time soon.” He offered Kakuzu a tightlipped smile, then turned to Hidan, whose face was turning purple from exertion. “This better be a good question, or it’ll be the cocoon this time.”

When Hidan nodded frantically, Shawn snapped his fingers again. The bonds holding Hidan loosened, then slithered away to hide under Shawn’s desk. Hidan promptly ground one under his heel before it could escape, and it disintegrated into a pile of black ooze.

“…If you’re quite done?” Shawn said acidly, watching Hidan stomp on the ground.  Hidan gave one final stomp before looking up to glower at his superior. 

“We’re being demoted,” Hidan spat. “Exiled. Why?”

“The correct term is indefinite suspension, but you have the general idea,” Shawn said, giving Hidan a look of disapproval. “And you know why.”

“No, I don’t! I get why good ol’ Kaku-fucker here is getting his just desserts, but why me? I do my work. Hell, I do more than my fair share!” Hidan complained.

“And that’s exactly the problem,” Shawn snapped. “You’re supposed to go after the humans, not your coworkers, you dunderhead. I have to hire temps to cover them, and I hate hiring temps. You have to train them for months, and just when you think they're finally competent at their job, they leave.”

“You have me,” Hidan reminded. “I love my work. The others don’t do shit.”

“Well, maybe you should tone down the enthusiasm and start learning what teamwork is,” Shawn said acerbically. "I’ve arranged it so that the two of you will forced to be together 24/7. You two are soul-bound, now." He paused, smiling slightly at their shocked faces; the very thought of this seemed to cheer him up immensely. Kakuzu and Hidan, however, stared at their superior, aghast.

“Would you reconsider it if I returned all of the money I borrowed?” Kakuzu asked. After a pause, he added, a bit reluctantly, “…With interest, of course.”  

“Nope,” Shawn replied. “But I’ll tell Bad Janet to withdraw the amount from your savings account. Bad Janet?”

Bad Janet cracked her gum loudly, smirking when she saw that it startled Shawn. “On it, boss.”

“Why the hell would you do that to us?” Hidan protested. “This is the worst fucking idea you've had in ages, and you've had terrible ideas before, Boss."

Shawn looked up at him. "So?" He asked.

"So?!!" Hidan sputtered. "SO?!! Newsflash, Boss: WE HATE EACH OTHER. You've literally MELDED OUR SOULS AND THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY WE CAN UNDO THAT."

Shawn shrugged. "I don't see why that would be a problem," he said coolly. "You'd finally be learning a lesson. I should have done this earlier, if I'd known that you both hated it this much."

"BOSS. WE'RE STUCK TOGETHER. FOR ETERNITY."

“Why do you think I did it, you blockheads?” Shawn returned, annoyed. “We’re in the Bad Place. We’re demons: we exist to make others miserable, including ourselves. Shut up and grow a pair. Anyway, you’ll be answering to Michael, and I don’t want to see your ugly mugs before I hear some good news about this experiment.” He turned to the figure he had been talking to before Hidan barged in. “Michael, you can get the other 316 demons from Dave from Accounting and Kyle from Toxic Masculinity. Shinichi in Youtuber Hell probably has a few workers he can spare.”

Michael gave Hidan and Kakuzu a dazzling smile. He had on a dapper suit that was the same color as his sleek, white hair, as well as a pair of spectacles that lent him a vaguely benevolent, grandfatherly air. If it weren’t for the conspicuous lack of wrinkles and liver spots on his unblemished skin, he would have been a perfect replica of a seventy year old Caucasian human male.

Hidan gawked at the stranger. _‘He’s not from the Good Place, is he?’_ he asked Kakuzu telepathically. _‘What’s a goody-two-shoes angel doing down here?’_

‘ **He’s here because he’s one of us, idiot** ,’ Kakuzu replied, glancing briefly at the suited man.

_‘Don’t fuck with me, bastard,’_ Hidan hissed. He gave the being called Michael a disgusted look. _'Who in their right mind would wear something like that awful white suit? A fucking angel, that’s wha—’_ His voice trailed off as his eyes rested on the very gaudy, striped bowtie at the stranger’s neck. ‘ _…No, you’re right. He’s definitely from the Bad Place.’_

“I should inform you that Michael has been promoted to manager, and thus has the security clearance to access all telepathically transmitted internal memos,” Shawn said dryly. “Including private conversations.” He glanced over at Michael. “But I have to say, they do have a point about the bowtie.”

Michael ignored Shawn and turned to the two in front of him. “Hidan and Kakuzu?” He said. “Pleasure to work with you.” He extended a hand. “I’m Michael.”  When neither Kakuzu or Hidan moved to take it, Michael retracted his hand awkwardly and gave a dry cough.

“…Well,” Michael said uncomfortably. “I can see that we’re off to a great start.”

"Like hell we are."

* * *

Michael’s new project was a lovely suburban neighborhood, complete with verdant lawns, sweeping expanses of forest and valleys blooming with flowers. Several, brightly colored buildings of varying heights surrounded the fountain at the very center of the town square. ‘FROZEN YOGURT,’ they read in several languages and different pastel fonts. Radiating from the town square were the residences of the other occupants of this new world, structures composed of glass and steel, brick and mortar, even one cunningly crafted with yarn and tiny beads. There was even an authentic yurt next to a lovely little hexagonal pond carpeted with blooming lotus flowers whose white petals were tinged with the most delicate shade of pink.  Kakuzu’s head ached to think about the amount of time and money that went into creating this neighborhood. For a fledgling Architect, Michael was doing very well for himself if he was able to secure this much funding for a first endeavor. How in the world did he manage to persuade the higher-ups to let him borrow 318 demons from the other departments?

Hidan’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

“I don’t get why we have to wear these dorky things,” Hidan was complaining to Michael. “What are they, anyway?” He jingled the silver bracelet on his wrist. 

“It’s a physical manifestation of your soul bond,” the architect explained. “Just for the purposes of this project. We’ll take it off when we retire this neighborhood.”

“Oh yeah? Then how come the only people that have it are us two?” Hidan challenged. He looked pointedly at the bare wrist of a passing demon. "You didn't meld anyone else's souls together, Boss?"

"The others are volunteers,” Shawn said flatly. “They aren't here to do time like you and Kakuzu, Hidan. It's to make sure that you don't stray from each other  beyond a certain distance." He glared at Hidan. “Test me, and I'll make it so that you have to hold hands all the time.” 

Hidan grumbled a little but mercifully subsided.

“I wouldn’t recommend you two be more than ten feet apart from each other,” Michael advised. "You'll be punished if you do."

“Oh, yeah? So what? What happens if we do, ash-hat?"

“You get to experience Heavenly Tribulations,” Michael replied. “We stole the idea from the Chinese. Not that the Great Dao actually exists, but it’s a neat concept.”

“…What the flying fork is that?”

“Tens of thousands of lighting bolts from the sky electrocute you, over and over and over again. They don’t stop until I say so, or if there’s a power outage.”

This world's version of Janet (an idiot with zero personality and an insipid smile) simpered. Kakuzu, who was used to seeing her counterpart in black, skintight leather thought that the frumpy purple frock and the checkered blue blouse did this Janet no favors.

“Don’t worry,” Good Janet assured them happily. “The power outage will never happen. I’ve set up three backup generators in case of emergencies.”  


“That’s very reassuring,” Kakuzu said sourly. Good Janet gave him a thumbs up.

“No, it’s not, shirt for brains,” Hidan returned. He scowled when an idea suddenly occurred to him. “What the fork— _why can’t I flipping curse_?”

* * *

They stood for a moment, just staring at the small bed that occupied most of the space inside the chapel. It was big enough for two people. There was hardly any space for a second bed, let enough room on the floor to comfortably fit a sleeping bag.

Kakuzu broke the silence first. "They're forking kidding me, right?" He looked around the chapel. It was a small, cramped space; the bed took up half of the room. The rest of the room was cluttered with old, spindly furniture and towering stacks of religious texts. He tried to move the wooden table and the candelabra that was in the center of the room, without any success. "Try shoving those books outside to make some space, brat."

"I'm already on it, you--FORK, what the?" Hidan exclaimed, trying to take a book from the tall stack of leather-bound tomes next to him. "They glued it down, those shirty ash-holes!" He looked around. "Oi, Janet!"

"How can I help you?" Janet asked, popping out of nowhere. 

"Great timing. Get another bed in here, would you?" Hidan demanded. "Make some space, or whatever. Or better yet, get us another house to live in, yeah?"

"Ding! I'm sorry, but I am not allowed to make any alterations to your home," Janet answered. "Error message. Error message. Supervisor approval must be obtained."

"Well, what the fork do you want us to do?" Kakuzu exploded. "You can't expect us to sleep together, do you?"

Janet merely smiled placidly. "Soulmates are entirely welcome to enjoy whatever living arrangements they would like, with mutual consent," she said. "But please note that both of you would be punished if you do not adhere to the ten-foot restriction."

"...What if one of us camps outside?" Hidan said slowly, looking at the open window besides the bed. He looked at Janet. "That's allowed, right?"

Janet paused. "Technically, yes," she said. She waved a hand, and two trees sprung out right outside the window; branches grew out and weaved through each other to form a crude hammock. 

"This is the best I can do with the limited powers I have," Janet said, a little apologetically. She smiled. "So, who's the lucky one who gets to sleep outdoors?"

Kakuzu and Hidan looked at each other.

*********

"I have to warn you that the canopy will block against the sun, but not against rain, sleet, or freak storms," Janet cautioned.

"That's fine," Kakuzu said. "I'll just have to kick this one out when that happens." He shot Hidan a dirty look.

"It'll never happen," Hidan said smugly. "Hah! Suck it, old man."

"Hn," Kakuzu replied. He made sure to grind his heels extra hard on the pristine white bedcover before clambering out of the window. Hidan yelped when he saw the muddy footprints on the bed. 

"Kakuzu, you forker!"

 

* * *

  **Neighborhood 12358W **

** Attempt 1, Day 1**

 

Eleanor Shellstrop didn’t know what was happening, but she wasn’t about to question her sudden turn of luck. 

…Screw that, she had questions.

“So, what exactly did I do on Earth to merit my being in the Good Place?” she asked. “I mean, I am supposed to be here, right?” She chuckled nervously.

At this, the nice old man in the white suit (was he an angel? Heavenly being? She honestly had no idea what Michael was) laughed. 

“Very much so,” Michael said. “You see, we monitor all of your actions on Earth and tally up the points that result from your actions: plus points for good deeds, minus points for bad ones. I am pleased to say that that the total number of life points that you, Eleanor Shellstrop, have accumulated ensures your spot here. In fact, I am 100% certain that the Other Place has no space for you.” He smiled. “A humanitarian lawyer like you? Someone who’s dedicated her life to rescuing orphans and going on hunger strikes? A woman like that could never be in the Bad Place. That would be blasphemy.”

“O-of course,” Eleanor said weakly. She glanced again at her new home, with its garish clown decorations and stupid minimalist layout that screamed _not Eleanor Shellstrop_.

 

Something was very, very wrong.

 

“Without further ado, I would like you to meet your new neighbors,” Michael said. “Shall we?” He opened the door for her with a small flourish, and they walked out of not-Eleanor’s particolored house.

“We’re not stopping here?” Eleanor asked, when they continued to walk past the gargantuan mansion next door with its sprawling, manicured lawns and marble fountain. Her house looked like a cheap dollhouse standing right next to it. 

“Oh, we’ll meet Tahani and Jianyu later,” Michael said. “They’re a little busy at the moment. Ah, here we are.” They turned left to a little, dilapidated chapel half-hidden by the bramble thicket that surrounded it. 

“A church?” Eleanor asked, a little incredulous. “Someone lives _here_?”

“Chapel,” Michael gently corrected. “Hidan is—was, very well-known for his devotion to his religion back in his time.”

“This SUCKS!” They heard someone yell. “Why the FORK are we living here? This is blasphemy! I’LL KILL THEM!” Michael gave the door a few, hard raps and the voices fell silent. Then the door creaked open.

“About time, forker,” the man who opened the door snarled, purple eyes flashing. The shorter, dark-haired man standing next to him elbowed him in the ribs. “OW! Kakuzu, what the _fork_!”

“Stuff it, brat,” the dark-haired man returned. “Nobody wants to hear you.”

“Well, nobody asked to live with you, Shirty-kuzu! Whose idea was it to make us be literal soulmates, anyway?”

“Eleanor,” Michael said, voice strained, as if he were speaking through gritted teeth. “I’d like to introduce you to your neighbors, Kakuzu and Hidan. Forgive them for their rudeness; they’re not used to such…luxury.”

“Luxury’s one way to put it,” Eleanor thought she heard…Kaki? Curry? mutter under his breath. (Whatever, she was bad at names. Sue her.) The lighter-haired man stared incredulously at Michael. 

“This is a forking chapel,” he stressed. “Are you forking kidding me? You’re making me live in THIS PLACE?”

“Manners, Hidan,” Michael admonished. In an undertone to Eleanor, he whispered, “in honor of his piety, we’ve decided to house him in the chapel that he prayed in during his time on Earth.

The man named Kakuzu pulled his friend aside as Michael proceeded to go off on a tangent. 

 

_‘I forking hate this job. Why can’t we just torture her already?’_ The other man hissed. _“Also, why is he making us live here?”_

**‘Can you just shut up about the stupid chapel?’** Kakuzu growled.

_‘Infidel, Jashin-sama will have your hide if He hears you. This is a place for forking heathens. It’s unclean.’_

**“It’s because you keep on whining about this that the Boss docked our pay. You owe me for overtime, shirty brat.”**

_‘Oh, yeah? I’m pretty sure the Boss docked_ your _pay for stealing from Accounting. Is that my fault too, forker?’_

**‘…Let’s just get this over with. It’s only a matter of time before Michael’s plan fails.’**

_‘Mother-flipping-forker.’_

 

“…So I’m next-door neighbors with a canonized saint and one of the greatest philanthropists of all time,” Eleanor said slowly, still trying to process everything in her mind. “Wow.”

“Everyone is here for a reason,” Michael said, looking gratified by her reaction. He beamed. “Eleanor, I would like to congratulate you again. Welcome to the Good Place.”

* * *

 

** Attempt 1, Day 65 **

“God save us all,” Eleanor bemoaned, before correcting herself. “Oh, right. He can’t. Not in here.” She groaned when she realized the implications of what she said. “Shirt, the answer was in front of us all the forking time. ‘Here’’s here.” She glared at Michael. “You sick motherforker.”

“The clues were in front of you this entire time,” Michael confirmed serenely. “You only have yourself to blame if you couldn’t figure it out.”

“So, all of you are demons?” Chidi looked over at Hidan and Kakuzu. “I can’t say that surprises me much, to be totally honest with you.”

“Awww, thanks, ash-hole,” Hidan said. He thumped Chidi on the back familiarly. “You aren’t such a good person either.”

Jason still seemed confused. “You guys used to work for D&D?” He asked. “Does that mean that you get to play that nerd game all day long and get paid for not doing actual work? Can I join?”

“Jason, I don’t think it stands for Dungeons and Dragons,” Tahani said through gritted teeth.

“Awww,” Jason said, disappointment apparent in his voice. Then he squinted at his soulmate. “Tahani, you know what Dungeons and Dragons is?”

“D&D stands for Dismemberment and Decapitation,” Michael explained. “It’s the most cutting-edge division within the Torture department.”

HIdan smirked at Chidi. “We get the moral philosophers, since they’re the hardest to wear down,” he said. “But honestly, they wear each other down mentally with their stupid convoluted arguments, so my work is mainly just the physical torture, which is my favorite part.” He grinned manically. “I’ll be seeing you there, soon.” Chidi squeaked and paled.

Jason seemed oblivious to Chidi’s internal distress. “So what do they do, if they don’t play card games?” He asked Michael, who was eager to respond.

“They develop brand new ways of torturing humans. It’s marvelous, really.” Michael paused. “Well, it used to be, before someone chopped up all of his coworkers into mincemeat.”

“Hey, stop whining. I did you a favor by getting rid of a bunch of salary thieves,” Hidan said, rolling his eyes. “I was the only person who got any shirt done, anyway. Plus, Lord Jashin didn’t seem to mind.”

“That’s because your so-called lord is  _psychotic_ ,” Michael hissed. “He needs to get back on his meds.”

“Are they…” Tahani trailed off, looking faint.

“Oh, they’re alive,” Michael reassured her. “But the regeneration period takes a long time. It’s the closest a demon can get to actual death, which is honestly quite impressive and really the main reason why Hidan’s here as punishm—”

“Alright, ladies, enough chit-chat,” Hidan interrupted. He looked hopefully at Michael. ”Can we go back home now and tell Shawn that this was an epic disaster?"

"Absolutely not," Michael said. "No, no, no. This is what we're going to do."

   


He snapped his fingers.

   


** Number of Attempts: 1 **

** Status: Failed **

** Time elapsed: 65 days, 45 minutes and 3 seconds **

* * *

 

Hidan bolted up in disbelief as soon as he came back to his senses. “Did he just—”  


“Yep,” Kakuzu said, stretching his limbs. They were back in the chapel—or rather, Hidan was. Kakuzu had woken up in his tree hammock by the window. 

“Fork,” Hidan mumbled. He looked at Kakuzu with dawning horror. “We’re really stuck with each other, huh.”

“…You just got the memo, brat?”


	2. Chapter 2

“We’re starting over again?” One of the demons asked. They had gathered in front of the town square after Michael rebooted the world.

“It’s just a temporary setback,” Michael assured her. “I’ve ironed out some of the kinks in the original plan. Eleanor will never know.”

“Are you really sure about that?” Someone else piped up from the back. “Really, 100%, positively sure? Boss didn’t seem too certain.”

“O-of course I am!” Michael blustered. “It’ll be smooth sailing this time around. I promise.”

* * *

**Attempt #2:**

“Well, you’re just a stupid ash-hole!” Eleanor yelled. “And out of all of us here, it’s you who really deserves to the Bad Place!”

Hidan’s eyes narrowed into slits. “Oh, yeah?” he said. “Well, guess what? You’re not actually in the Good Place, so you idiots are just wasting your time arguing about a moot point.” He sat back smugly when he saw Eleanor’s dumbfounded expression. “You just got  _punked_ , bench.”

He felt good for a total of five seconds before he looked around the room and met Michael’s stormy-eyed expression.

“You just had to say it,” Michael sighed. He snapped his fingers again.  


**Number of Attempts: 2**

**Status: Fail**

**Reason: Hidan (Demon)**

**Time Elapsed: 30 days, 14 hours and 3 seconds**

 

* * *

“Everything is under control,” Michael hastily assured the group of pissed demons for the third time in a row. “Everything will be fine.”

*****

Kakuzu caught up to Michael when the meeting was adjourned. “The other 316 sheep have no forking brains, but I do,” Kakuzu said bluntly. “Your plan’s already shot to pieces. But you already know that, don’t you?”

“No, it hasn’t!” Michael defended. Then he paused.  “…Well, yes,” he begrudgingly admitted. “But it won’t happen next time. Eleanor’s not smart enough to guess right twice in a row. Hidan messed it up the last time.”

Kakuzu offered a crooked smile. “Would you like to make a bet on that?”

* * *

**Attempt #3:**

**Number of Attempts: 3**

**Status: Fail**

**Reason: Eleanor Shellstrop (Human)**

**Time Elapsed: 7 days, 14 hours and 3 seconds**

* * *

  **Attempt #4:**

“I won,” Kakuzu said, staring at Michael. It was tricky, but Kakuzu was finally able to corner the other demon in the alley next to one of the fifteen clam chowder places in the town square, several days after the start of the newest iteration. Hidan was lurking around the corner, acting as a lookout. The brat had his uses from time to time.

“Well, technically, Hidan—” The demon started, but Kakuzu cut him off.

“I said,” Kakuzu growled. “I. Won.” He took another step closer, and Michael, finding nowhere else to hide, pressed himself against the wall.

This fool didn’t have the guts to stand up for himself.

“So,” Kakuzu said, smiling slightly. “Do we have a deal?”

Michael wavered before hurriedly slapping a wad of cash into Kakuzu’s hand.

Of course, Eleanor just had to walk past at that very moment.

“Are you-are you trying to extort an angel?” She asked incredulously. “…Wait. Aren’t you that super famous philanthropist from next door?”

She narrowed her eyes.

**Number of Attempts: 4**

**Status: Fail**

**Reason: Eleanor Shellstrop (Human)**

**Time Elapsed: 1 day, 15 minutes and 4 seconds**

* * *

**Attempt #5:**

**Number of Attempts: 5**

**Status: Fail**

**Reason: Hidan (Demon)**

**Time Elapsed: 7 days, 14 hours and 3 seconds**

* * *

 

**Attempt #6:**

**Number of Attempts: 6**

**Status: Fail**

**Reason: Eleanor Shellstrop (Human)**

**Time Elapsed: 13 days and 1 minute**

* * *

**Attempt #7:**

**Number of Attempts: 7**

**Status: Fail**

**Reason: Eleanor Shellstrop (Human)**

**Time Elapsed: 41 days**

* * *

* * *

Eleanor Shellstrop, Hidan thought bitterly to himself while contemplating the bowl of paperclips in Michael’s office, was one annoying pain in the ash. Seriously, if they had handed her over to D&D and given her the eternal punishment she rightly deserved in the first place, they wouldn't have to go through this whole farce for the thirty-third time. He looked resentfully to the right, where the shirty old man sat next to him. Kakuzu glared back at him.

“Hidan,” Michael ventured from behind his desk, glancing uneasily at the two of them. “What can I do for the two of you?”

Hidan ignored him and nodded to Good Janet, who was standing behind Michael. She waved a hand, and a large holographic screen appeared in the middle of the room.

“Play from attempt number one,” Hidan told her. “Just the important bits.”

When they had finished watching all of the highlights from the past 32 attempts, Hidan looked at Michael. “See? She always figures it out. Bench, you’re totally forked and you know it.”

“Let’s just try the froyo thing again,” Michael sighed. “Third time’s a charm, as the humans say.”

“Yeah, the thirty-third time, you mean,” Kakuzu muttered.

“Maybe if I move you guys over to the crummy froyo place, it’ll work out better,” Michael mused aloud. Then he brightened. “You know what? I shouldn’t let you two interact with the humans. Eleanor always seems to figure things out faster with Hidan around.”

Hidan bristled.

“Oh, so now it’s my fault that everything isn’t perfect, forker?!”  


* * *

**Attempt #33:**

Kakuzu and Hidan looked over at the window, where the four humans were lounging around, eating their stupid froyo. They looked at Michael with the same deadpan expression on their faces.

“I thought that Eleanor liked the other frozen yogurt place better,” Michael said, perplexed. “She even told me that she hated how this place didn’t have single flavor options.”

“I thought we were supposed to torture them,” Kakuzu hissed. “But this seems like we're the ones getting tortured, not them."

******

Eleanor, they learned very quickly, really, really liked Hidan. Not in the romantic sense (not with Chidi around, at least) but something about Hidan seemed to attract her.

Birds of a feather (note: ash-holes) really did seem to flock together.

Presently, she was lounging at the back of the froyo counter where Hidan was working, eating frozen yogurt with a blissful expression on her face. Kakuzu was at the cash register, taking orders.

“Look, I'm forking busy," Hidan hissed at her. "Do you not see the long-ash line stretching from here to the end of the universe? These people want their god-dang froyo. Go bother Michael.” Eleanor ignored him.

"How in the world did you manage to end up here?" Eleanor asked, sucking on her spoon noisily. "Mmm. The ASMR one is good; it gives you the same warm and fuzzy feelings that you get when you run into the bathroom right before your roommate needs to take a dump and now she can't, because you've locked the door." She seemed to realize that she had said too much, and she hastily spooned more frozen yogurt into her mouth.

"I made many, many sacrifices to my cause," Hidan said proudly, quickly forgetting to be angry. "I made my Lord proud of my achievements."

Eleanor squinted at him. "What were you, a knight?" She asked. "When did you die, the 1600s?"

"I'm more than a forking knight, woman," Hidan said, scowling at Eleanor's boorish ignorance.  _Humans_. "I'm literally a bonafide martyr. People pray to me."

"...To you,” Eleanor repeated skeptically.

”Fork yeah they do!” Hidan said indignantly. He smiled to himself as he remembered all of the beatific scenes he had personally witnessed. “They gave us gold and silver and all sorts of valuables, and human sacrifices—“ He cut himself off, but the damage was done.

Eleanor, much to her credit, looked absolutely horrified. “Human sacrifices?!!” She shrieked. “…Wait a second.”

**Number of Attempts: 33**

**Status: Fail**

**Reason: Eleanor Shellstrop (Human)**

**Time Elapsed: 1 day, 15 minutes and 4 seconds**

* * *

 “I’ve got it,” Michael said triumphantly. He looked up from his calculations and beamed at Hidan and Kakuzu. “What I’ve found is that Eleanor realizes that this isn’t the Good Place a lot faster when she figures out that you two aren’t really soulmates. Statistically speaking, she always finds about the truth 3.8 days faster when she realizes that the two of you aren’t really soulmates.”

“Correlations are not causes, you fool,” Kakuzu said acidly. What the fork was Boss thinking of when he promoted this guy? “Eleanor figures it out 99% of the time because Hidan says something. Maybe you should think about gagging him permanently.”

“Bench, fork you,” Hidan snapped before turning to Michael. “Being soul-bound to this forker is literally the only reason why I’m sitting next to him right now. What other reason would I have?!”

“For demons who hate each other as much as you two do, it makes complete sense, but we’re dealing with humans who think that you’re also human,” Michael said patiently. “And human soulmates tend to be, uh, close. You’d have to act like real human soulmates for this to work.”

“We already are,” Kakuzu said, rolling his eyes. “Look, we sit together, eat together, and walk together. I think that’s more than enough.”

“Not for Eleanor, no,” Michael reminded them. “Remember, she’s seen through your act for more than thirty times. To her, it seems like you’re just going through the motions, like Jason.”

“Well, what else would you have us do?!” Hidan exploded. “It’s not like she’ll believe it if I give Kaku-fucker a big smooch right on the kisser!”

Michael smiled.

"...Oh, _fork, no_."

* * *

  **Attempt #34:**

Eleanor marched right into the chapel (correction: blasphemous hovel) without knocking, interrupting their TV session. 

"Do you mind?" Hidan hissed. "We're a little busy here."  With great difficulty, he and the old man had managed to persuade Janet to magic Hidan's bed into a sofa and squeeze in a small TV on top of the stacks of books for a certain amount of time. 

"I'll have to take the TV away after two hours," Janet had said apologetically. "Sorry. Michael's orders."

Hidan had rolled his eyes. Screw Michael and his forking rules. He had  looked at Kakuzu then. "Truce?"

Kakuzu had nodded. "Truce," he had agreed. 

Which was why Hidan was _pissed_ when Eleanor stood in front of the TV.

"Oi! You're blocking the screen, bench!" He yelled. They only had 45 minutes of screen time left, and he was damned if he let this bench ruin _Train to Busan_ for him.  

Eleanor frowned at the TV. "Why is your TV so janky?"

"Kaku-forker likes retro stuff," Hidan answered shortly. "Do me a favor and cut the carp so we can keep watching this in peace. Why the fork are you here?" 

Eleanor looked at them.  “I bet you two aren’t actually soulmates,” she said. “You’re just going through the motions, aren’t you?”

 

Well, that was remarkably straightforward.

_ ‘ _ ** ‘...I’m surprised that she didn’t figure that out earlier,’ ** Kakuzu's voice said quietly in Hidan's mind.

_ 'Yeah, it's not like it takes a nuclear physicist to figure out that we hate each other.' _

“Well?” Eleanor said, interrupting their telepathic conversation. "I'm right, aren't I?"

Hidan snapped.

Usually at this point, he would give in, because a High Priest of Jashin would never lower themself to the level of humans. Today, however, was different. Eleanor was interrupting one of the best zombie apocalypse movies he'd seen in a long time and if time rewound here, they'd have to start re-watching it from the very beginning in the next iteration of the world. The only buttons on the stupid remote control Janet had given them was "PAUSE," "START," and "ON/OFF." "FAST FORWARD" was not an option.

_ You wanted a show?  _ _Bring it on, bench_.

 

“Why? You jealous that you don’t have _this_?” Hidan said, jerking his thumb at Kakuzu. He smirked.  Kakuzu stiffened.

** ‘…Brat, what the fork do you think you’re doing.’ **

_ ‘Lighten up, old man. I got this.’ _

“Kaku-forker and I are tight. We go waaaay back, don’t we?” Hidan nudged Kakuzu. In response, Kakuzu elbowed him hard in the ribs. “Forking owww, Kakuzu.”

“Sorry, reflex,” Kakuzu replied serenely. 

“Reflex, my _ash,_ " Hidan grumbled. He glanced over at Eleanor from the corner of his eye. Shirt, the bench didn’t seem to be rising to the bait.  Time for Plan B, then.

He really, really did not want to do this.

Hidan yanked Kakuzu by the necktie and reached in for what would look like a deep, passionate kiss from Eleanor’s perspective.

 

He didn’t mean to actually kiss him.

 

Their mouths met clumsily, more of a bumping of teeth than soft lips, and they froze at the sudden frizzle of energy that sparked when their lips touched. Hidan, startled, inadvertently tightened his grip on Kakuzu’s tie and Kakuzu toppled forward, pinning Hidan under him. Their lips met again, less teeth and more soft skin, and suddenly there were a thousand lightning bolts coursing through his veins, zinging through his bloodstream. It felt like the euphoria he felt after a sacrifice, and the elusive warmth from the fresh, bright red arterial blood that bathed his body except this time, that warmth came from the body that pressed against him, all hard muscle and rough, scarred flesh, and it stayed warm against his cool skin.

" _Oh. My. God_ ," he heard someone gasp from somewhere far away, but he didn't care. He closed his eyes and leaned further in, focused on that blissful, electric high, trembling.

Then he felt the pressure of the other person's mouth on his own lessen, and he nearly howled at the loss of that feeling of completion. He clutched at whatever was in his hand, wanting for more, more--

Then a hand covered the lower part of his face. 

"...Fork," a familiar voice panted close to his ear, gravelly and rough. "Oi, girl, beat it. Show's over."

The front door slammed shut.

It took a few moments for the other person to regulate their breathing. Then they lifted themselves up, the saggy sofa dipping under their weight. Hidan heard the sound of the window sliding up.

When the windows clicked shut, Hidan opened his eyes and pushed himself up into a sitting position. He stared blankly at the TV.

 

It was only until the TV popped out of existence and the sofa elongated into the familiar shape of his bed that he realized that the movie had ended. 

 

* * *

**AN: idk what im writing at this point help QAQ**

 


End file.
